How to Get Better at Get-Togethers

Have you ever been to, or worse yet thrown, a party that fizzled instead of sizzled? Priya Parker knows how to prevent that from happening again.

“Gatherings crackle and flourish,” says Parker, a facilitator, strategic advisor, and author of The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters, “when real thought goes into them, when structure is baked into them, and when a host has the curiosity, willingness, and generosity of spirit to try.”

Parker offers five rules for making any gathering more effective and fun:

• Rule #1: Identify your purpose. Why are you proposing this event? Who is it for? What are your and your guests’ unique needs and abilities that will make this get-together truly great? Is this an old friends’ reunion? A going-away party? An end-of-summer hurrah? It matters that people are clear about why they’ve been invited, in part because they know what to expect.
• Rule #2: Clarify your purpose. Once you’ve identified the answer to #1, you know what and who stays in and what and who does not. A family reunion, for example, may not be the best time to invite a new friend or neighbor, much as you’d like to have them at your home.
• Rule #3: Design your invitation to persuade. Most people simply put the what, where, why, and when into an invitation, with RSVP instructions. But what if you included a bit of a story, explaining why their presence is crucial, both for them and for the party? For example, a retirement party invitation may feature a few lines about the guest of honor’s career.
• Rule #4: Ditch etiquette for rules. Make up some new one-time-only rules, such as not discussing kids or work or using phones. How would that change the vibe? Suddenly people would be forced to talk about interesting things they don’t usually think about!
• Rule #5: Close with intention. How you end your event helps shape the emotions and memories your guests will take home with them. Put an end time on the invitation—close friends can always stay a bit later to “help clean up,” if you wish—and then issue a last call a little before then. This winds up the party smoothly.

  You might also consider giving guests a token gift, like candy or a flower, on the way out. Hosts at children’s birthday parties and fancy galas give goody bags all the time; why shouldn’t people who throw house parties? It’s also lovely to take a group photo and send it to everyone at the gathering, either by e-mail or text, or send a printed copy afterwards. Finally, by all means, walk your guests to the door. It shows people you care. And that, after all, is what it’s all about.